Humility

Today I was amazed by how relative "humility" is.

The topic of the sermon this morning at EBF was hypocrisy, and the pastor included a special warning against pride as part of the message. I sat thinking to myself, am I prideful?
I don't think so... I mean sure, sometimes I catch myself thinking too highly of myself, but I'm certainly not cocky, right?

So I'm sitting in the Periodicals section of the library tonight and finishing up some readings in preparation for my Development of the Modern American City midterm tomorrow. I'm doing great focusing, getting through the readings, enjoying the material. I then move on to tackle the 3 possible essay topics, planning on outlining all three.

All of a sudden I sense the familiar voice of the Holy Spirit, prompting me to get on my knees to pray. Right at my desk, in the middle of the library. I think, hah, no way, and try to get back to studying. The Spirit keeps calling, 'humble yourself, acknowledge my sovreignty in this place." How can I deny the call of God? How can I focus when I feel like I am disobeying my Father?

So, still sitting in my seat, I pray, God, why now? I need to work through these essays, why confront me now? This scares me, I don't want to look like a freak in front of all these people.

He responds, You thought you were humble, yet you can't honor my power by kneeling on the ground for a few minutes in room full of people who have no idea who you are, most of which you rarely encounter? I will provide for your exam tomorrow, I will tell you which essay to study, if you merely humble yourself, break down your pride enough, to get on your knees and listen to me.

Spiritual warfare raged in my head for probably 10 minutes - I was paralyzed by my fear of ridicule, yet compelled by how faithful my Father has shown Himself in the past few months in all ways, and the reality that I could not sleep tonight if I had walked away from this calling.

Finally I pulled out my chair, got on my knees for probably 10 seconds, listened to God's instruction, got up and packed up and walked out of the library.

I'm ashamed. Not because I got on my knees and people saw me.
Because I could only get on my knees for 10 seconds. That when my Lord and Savior, my benevolent Father asks me to spend a quiet moment in reverence for Him so He can help me on my exam, I have so much pride that I can only manage to be on my knees for 10 seconds.

I guess this put humility in perspective for me. Just because we're not cocky doesn't mean we don't have pride. Situations like this help me see how much pride I actually do harbor in my heart.

Please pray for me. I know that God's plans for me, as soon as this year, will require an even further destruction of the pride I have built up around myself. How can I possibly be a part of MEIV's vision to transform this whole campus if I am preoccupied with such a petty concern as image?

Praise, glorify, exalt our loving Father. He wants only the best for us. I know that He is using tonight to both teach me about my pride and to teach me to trust Him in every circumstance: finanically, academically, in my relationships, in all things. I acknowledge my shortcomings, Lord, and praise you all the more for them, for Your power is made perfect in my weakness.